1. Alcohol is actually ethanol. Essentially, you will be drinking what will become an “alternative fuel” when climate change hits us in the face. Wait, but that sounds like poison? Yes, yes it does. That’s why you will throw up after you drink too much in your young years. Your body is trying to expel a poison. But don’t worry, you’ll build up an immunity to it, like The Man in Black and his iocane powder, only much, much less coolly. It will take years, but the poison will do its work.
2. Alcohol is a depressant. As in, it causes depression. So those anti-depressants your GP will end up prescribing? Most likely needed because you were drinking too much. Also, you will continue to drink while on said anti-depressants, completely negating their effect.
3. Alcohol will steal your joy. Sure, it numbs the bad. But guess what? It numbs the good too. See above.
4. Alcohol will make you dull, in every sense of the word. You will stare glassy eyed at the TV most evenings. When you get sober, you will realize how incredibly boring drunk people are, unable to string two coherent sentences together, constantly repeating themselves and talking over everyone. You will marvel at the fact that that was once you, as you head home early, slip contentedly between fresh sheets (because fresh sheets will become one of your life’s many small, secret pleasures) and look forward to waking up refreshed and ready for a lovely weekend ahead. Hangover free.
5. Alcohol will put you in danger, and make you do stupid things. Remember when you thought it was a good idea to walk back to your hotel room in Prague, alone in the middle of the night in a foreign city? You will be damn lucky nothing happens to you.
6. Alcohol will undermine your every single effort to live healthier and counteract every ill-advised diet you will ever go on. Why? It will cause you to overeat for several different sciency reasons, and impede nutrient absorption in your gut. Basically, it’s a dis-ease maker.
7. On that note, alcohol is associated with seven, yes SEVEN, different types of cancer. This will come into sharp, painful focus when you are diagnosed with ovarian cancer at the age of 42. Though it isn’t one of those seven, you will always be left wondering if you did it to yourself.
8. Alcohol will make your perimenopausal symptoms worse. That is, before it quite possibly gives you cancer, leading to a complete hysterectomy and instant menopause. Thanks for that.
9. Alcohol will steal precious moments with your young niece that you will never get back. You will spend the evenings babysitting her looking at the clock, waiting impatiently for bedtime so the “fun” can finally start. You will never get a second chance to enjoy those fleeting years of innocence. You will realize this with great sadness once you ditch the booze.
10. Alcohol will play havoc in your relationships, short-circuiting promising new friendships and locking you into unhealthy dynamics with other overdrinkers. In the end, it will be the downfall of your marriage.

Well! I had set out to write a tongue-in-cheek blog post this morning about my many hilarious trials and tribulations, but this came out instead. It’s a good reminder to me of all that I have gained when I chose glorious sobriety. It’s been over three years, and sometimes I forget what it was like, what it did to me. So, consider this my cautionary tale to you, my friends! As a certain Mr. Mackey from South Park would say “Alcohol is bad, m’kay?”