Some people call it the Wine Witch, or the Fanatic in the Attic. Belle Robertson named it Wolfie. Me, I couldn’t come up with a creative name of my own, so I decided not to dignify it with one. But we’ve all got it: that voice in our head that says it’s a good idea to drink. “Oh, go on, just have ONE. You deserve it!”

But guess what? That voice in your head is not you. That voice is Alcohol. And it lies to you. Why? Because that’s its nature: it’s a toxic liquid, and it wants to intoxicate you. So here are five things, in no particular order, that Alcohol tries to make you believe so that you’ll drink up.

1 – You have an addictive personality.

Alcohol is addictive, not your personality. Yes, you say, but if it’s not alcohol, then it’s sugar (or coffee, or fill-in-the-blank). But the real problem is that we aren’t taught appropriate coping mechanisms growing up. We don’t know how to self-soothe. What we’re really looking for is a dopamine hit to help us deal with discomfort. Which brings us to the next lie:

2 – I will make the bad stuff go away.

Granted, alcohol does temporarily numb uncomfortable feelings. That’s the main reason a lot of people overdrink. Alas, those feelings don’t disappear. They will lie patiently waiting for you the next morning, where you will still have to deal with them – this time with a hangover. Awesome.

3 – I am a form of self-care.

Self-harm, more like. Ever throw up after a night out drinking? That’s your body’s normal reaction to poison. Alcohol is a noxious chemical, and your body knows it. Listen to your body.

4 – You can’t socialize without me.

If you were a bumbling teenager like me (really, is there any other kind?), you quickly learned that alcohol could indeed give you the liquid courage required to get through those first nerve-wracking minutes at a party (by lowering your inhibitions, but that’s a whole other post). But you’re not that adorably gauche teen anymore. You’re a grown-ass woman (or man) who gets things done. Sure, you might still be an introvert. But you’ve gained life experience, and you know how to interact with people now. And those first 15 minutes might still be awkward. But you know what? They pass!

5 – Things are no fun without me.

This is a big one, because this message is broadcast to us from every single direction, every single day. Billboards, TV, social media, books, movies and greeting cards. It’s on aprons, mugs, t-shirts, magnets and stickers. It’s on food products. Now that is some insidious marketing, my friends! And of course it’s all bull. You absolutely can have fun without alcohol – and you will remember having it. In fact, once you get far enough away from Day 1, the penny will finally drop: alcohol actually leaches the fun OUT of things!  Don’t believe me? I dare you to get to day 180 and tell me I’m wrong. I’ll be waiting with an exquisitely muddled mocktail. And a party hat.